A green hand shoots up from the ground in front of a black tombstone with the Words Hurt logo on it

SALES PAGE REVIVAL

SALES PAGE AUDIT & RESCUE

HOLD THIS BIRD SKULL.
LET'S RAISE THE DEAD.

YOUR OFFER IS GREAT.
But instead of selling it, you managed to slaughter your time, confidence and finances.

Triple homicide. Send Flowers.The good news? We’re going to resurrect them.
The bad news? We’re gonna need some dark magic
and a powerful sales page that SELLS.

If you're getting eyes but not sales, this fixes that problem.

You’ll need a draft to burn,
and 550 golden Euro coins to cast into the portal.

Audit, rewrites, guidance, 2 rounds of feedback, 3 weeks.

Your clients are gagging for more than “is this you?” and “picture this”

“This blew me away. I wasn't expecting rewrites, but you gave those AND the context on why those pieces needed a fresh angle or cutting down.”

— Ceels Lockley, Offer Strategy Coach

YOU GET A REVIVAL!
YOU GET A REVIVAL!
EVERYBODY GETS A REVIVAL!

🌑 Brand new sales page that died before launch? REVIVED!
You’re thinking of delaying your launch. Or worse, cancelling it altogether. Your confidence is shaking. Sometimes you need your pitch to be good from the get-go. There’s no time for trial and error.🌑 Old sales page that has lost its soul and traction? REVIVED!
Visitors are walking in and right back out empty-handed. You don’t know what the problem is so you question everything. You’re still not selling but now, you’re also in an anxiety spiral.🌑 Sales page doesn’t fit your reworked offer? REVIVED!
Has your offer outgrown its page? Amazing! If your offer is ready for its next stage, then your sales page needs to reflect that. Let that corpse go. We'll find a new body for your offer to possess.If your current sales page isn't selling, or you have a brand new one that desperately needs to soak in a milk bath under the full moon before launch, then this is the ritual for you.THE FORCES OF THE UNDERWORLD DON'T DISCRIMINATE.
ANYONE CAN BE REVIVED!

NO UPSELLS.

Most audits leave you with more problems than you started with because they're designed as lead-ins to expensive follow-up services. They only focus on one piece - just copy, just messaging, or just the offer.

"Here are all your problems! Want them fixed? That'll be €2,000!"

Sales Page Revival isn't that.

I implement the big solutions AND guide you through everything else. No upsells, no hidden costs, no lead ins.

You leave the revival chamber with a complete transformation, confident in your offer, your positioning, and your sales page.

“Real feedback for real problems in your copy and generously gives real solutions. He's clear, kind, astute, and direct. He also made me feel like I don't need to burn it all down, which I wanted to do some days. So that's a win.”
— Madison, Graphic Designer from Deliberately Designed

SKEPTICAL?
READ THE NECRONOMICON YOURSELF!

CHAPTER 37: SALES PAGE REVIVAL RITUAL
“This ritual will bring your time, confidence and money back from the dead with the power of a newly audited & edited sales page.”Examining the Ether: An audit of your messaging, positioning, clarity, structure, language, flow, creativity and emotional appeal to ensure you're communicating in the way your audience will be most receptive to. If something isn't quite right, we'll discuss exactly how to fix it.

Guidance Tomes: Up to 3 done-for-you, fully rewritten main sections of your sales page, plus comments that guide you through the entire revival, taking you step by step through any reworks, creative ideas that could be explored, and opportunities for themed offers to shine. You will have direct instruction on how to execute everything.

Revival Recording: A video walkthrough of your audit, your offer, the changes made, plus suggestions and guidance on execution.

BUT DOES THE RITE END THERE? HARDLY.

Second Ritual: You have 3 weeks to work on the comments, consider all the ideas and suggestions, and send your page back for a final review to iron everything out before your launch.

THIS ISN’T MY FIRST RODEO RESURRECTION

HERE’S WHAT THE RECENTLY REVIVED HAD TO SAY

“The actual rewrites and copy additions were amazing to see! Even as a jumping off point, these are incredible.”
— Erin, Owner of Lunimae Strategy.

“I love the way you injected more personality into my messaging as well as brought in the theming and fun where it was a little absent. I now feel SO excited to launch the offer again and you've inspired me a ton to think about developing other parts of my messaging and copy”
— Ceels Lockley, Offer Strategy Coach

“You pinpoint weaknesses and help bring everything up to the same level without inspiring your client to spiral down an abyss of "this is terrible, I'm terrible, everything is terrible" It was clear and actionable”
— Ashley Stinson, Energy Archeologist

MARKETING MARK?WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?

Behind all the theatre and storytelling, this is a professional sales page audit & rescue copywriting service. Your sales page isn't converting because of specific, fixable problems like unclear messaging, weak positioning, poor structure, or copy that doesn't connect with or leverage your audience into a purchase.So it’s time to pivot!This works for designers, social media managers, copywriters, coaches, course creators, and creative service providers, who need their sales page to generate revenue instead of just looking pretty.

SALES PAGE REVIVAL

🌑 Complete Sales Page Audit
🌑 Offer Positioning & Messaging Help
🌑 Up to 3 Fully Rewritten Sections
🌑 Detailed Implementation Guide
🌑 Strategy Video Walkthrough
🌑 2 Rounds of ReviewsInvestment €550 + 1 BLOOD SACRIFICE (your old sales page)

“Without having to completely pivot, I've opened up the opportunity to market to a whole other group of people TOO.”
— Joyce, Website Designer from Guapa Studios.

Kalyl Kadri

Brand Drama Director, Curious Copywriter, and Necromancer

+8 years in writing & agencies
+15 years making theatre
+ A lifetime of being alternative 🤘🏾

I read a sales page in 2018 and haven't needed to read another ever since.

They're all the damn same.

Especially now that they’re being written by the same “person” (IYKYK.) (Ok, it’s ChatGPT.)

What's an underworld guy to do? Cause a scene with my biz, WORDS HURT, using storytelling and theatrics to create sales pages that people actually enjoy reading and buying from (like this one). I don't throw the word "experience" around lightly but... this is an ✨EXPERIENCE✨.Let’s sell out the seats to your show.

FAQ

IT IS BETTER THAT YOU SHOULD RUSH UPON THIS BLADE
THAN ENTER THE CHAMBER WITH DOUBT IN YOUR HEART.

I can assure you that I am still the owner of my own soul!

This is all just a bit of roleplaying and storytelling to give you a taste of what we can create when we use our imaginations!

You could... but that would negatively impact both the efficiency of my work and your connection to your service!

Whatever you submit becomes my base. If AI writes something you don't resonate with, I'm still going to build off of that robot voice & desires instead of yours. And I need to be building off of YOU!

If you're going to use AI, please at least read and edit it thoroughly to make sure you actually align with what's being said. But honestly, I'd rather you submit bullet points and rambles for me to work with than AI-generated slop.

Great question! Part of the audit includes an offer positioning & messaging analysis. If I discover your offer needs repositioning or restructuring, I'll include guidance on that before we move forward.

The spirits cannot be rushed, child! You'll receive your first round of feedback within 7 business days of submitting your sales page. After you implement the changes and resubmit, you'll get your final feedback within another 7 business days.

So book it ASAP if you have a launch coming up!

The total timeline depends on how quickly you work on the revisions between rounds. You have up to 3 weeks after receiving your first feedback to submit your second round - after that, the portal closes and it will take much longer for you to receive the feedback!

I can! But that’s a whole other service called Sales Page Story. This service specifically focuses on fixing what you already have.

The short answer is no, I won't.

The longer answer is that depending on how open you are to getting a little creative (which you'll tell me in your inquiry form), I could suggest a theme and some ideas to implement. However, this is NOT part of the package and you should not expect it!

What IS part of the package is using any themes or concepts that you already have for your brand and offers, and expanding on them.

The main sections are usually the hero (opening section), the offer intro, and the closing pitch, but this depends on what your offer is and how good or bad your current sections are. It might be more beneficial to rewrite a different section entirely.

Rest assured that I will always choose the sections where you'll get the most conversion value!

The service includes two rounds: initial delivery and final review. After that, additional changes are considered new projects. That's why the three-week implementation period and final review are built in so we can ensure everything is perfect before we close the portal.

I’m proud to say that Sales Page Revival currently has 100% client satisfaction. Which is great because no, there are no refunds. If you're not satisfied during the process, we'll work together in the final review round to address concerns before completion.

QUICK!
I CAN’T HOLD THE PORTAL OPEN FOR MUCH LONGER!

The portal is flickering.

You've seen the ritual.
You’ve heard from the revived.
You know it works.

On the other side of this portal?Your time becomes profitable again.
You get inquiries from aligned clients.
Your confidence returns.
Your money flows back.

But I can only hold this open for so long.

THROW YOUR COINS INTO THE PORTAL AND BEGIN THE RITUAL!